AlphaTrilogy.com

10 July 2007

Hillbilly Surfing - Video & Story

Posted by Darrell under: Missouri; Noteworthy Video .

If you live in the Ozarks, like I do, you get used to strangers instantly thinking you must be a hillbilly. When you shoot flaming arrows to light brush piles you realize that the strangers are probably right. Of course, shooting arrow with fireworks attached, ranks right up there on the hillbilly scale.

In the Ozarks, you can drive any road at about anytime (including weekdays when the rest of the country is hard at work) and find ablebodied men sitting in lawn chairs in their front yard (with beer in hand) watching the traffic go by. I haven’t witnessed this type of activity in other parts of the country - but I’m sure it goes on. Probably, though, in other areas where people are thought of as ‘hillbillies’.

It is amazing, though, that come weekend or holiday, every single one of these traffic voyeurs converge on the local lakes. These guys have every kind of boat imaginable, from jon boats with oars for power to luxury yachts. Being a traffic voyeur obviously pays well for some.

Anyway, when my friend Jeff called me on July 3 and asked if my family was interested in going to the lake on the 4th - I immediately made the only reply that made any sense at all “YES”. Come on, half of SW Missouri would be at the lake on the 4th - how could I even consider not going?

Let me now tell you about Jeff. He looks like he stepped right out of the pages of some surfing magazine. He has the blond hair and the surfers physique. I think (although this is only conjecture) that Jeff has always secretly harbored a desire to be a pro surfer. His frequent trips to Hawaii, the Billabong and Quicksilver shirts, and the laid back ‘hang loose’ attitude are all dead give-aways.

I’ve known Jeff since we were kids and I learned long ago that if you want to get Jeff committed to a trip all you have to do is mention surfing.

“Hey Jeff, you want to go to Colorado to hunt elk” I’d ask.

“Well, I don’t know, I’ve got a busy fall, ummm let me see what I can do” he’d reply.

“There’s really good surfing” I’d tell him.

“What, surfing in Colorado? Are you sure?” he’d ask.

“Yeah, really really good surfing” I’d assure him.

“When do we leave?” he’d respond.

Yep, I think Jeff wants to be a surfer. My final clue came a few years back when I started hearing rumors that Jeff had finally mastered surfing and he was giving free lessons to all of our friends. Hillbilly surfing had been born.

I had this sneaky feeling that surfing was on the agenda for the 4th. Jeff wanted to get another hillbilly (me) hooked on surfing. This suspicion only grew when I found out that Wayne was also accompanying us to the lake.

Let me tell you about Wayne. Do you remember when you were a kid and you just did the coolest trick ever on the diving board at the city pool. I mean a trick so cool that you were now being escorted away by several lifeguards and a paramedic? Well, Wayne is the kid who does the same trick (as you are still being escorted out) plus a triple flip and simply swims away. Or, when you are at the motocross track with your dirt bike and you hit a jump so knarly that any sane person might wet themselves just thinking about doing something so foolish? Wayne is the guy that will hit that same jump while doing a handstand on the handlebars.

So, off to the lake we went (along with thousands of our neighbors). I of course noticed the surfboard right away. My suspicions were cofirmed. We’uns going surfing. Oh, did I mention, we live in Missouri?

All you need for hillbilly surfing is a jon boat (jeff’s ‘jon’ boat probably cost more than my first house), a surfboard, a 30′ length of rope, and a complete lack of common sense. We, of course, had all of the above. Now, I know you are thinking that you can’t surf in Missouri and that I’m just pulling your leg. You’d be wrong on both counts and I have the video to prove it.

I will admit that hillbilly surfing is a lot of fun and I can’t wait to give it another try. I wasn’t too good at it as you’ll see in the video.  I was trying real hard to figure out who was the better surfer between Jeff and Wayne. Then Jeff’s wife, who was patiently trying to instruct me how to master this great sport, put both of the boys to shame. She surfed for crazy amounts of time, riding that wave like she owned it.

Unlike Jeff and Wayne, she could actually talk to the camera while riding a wave without losing any focus or going down.  I’m trying to convince her to let me film a hillbilly surfing instructional video - for which we could make crazy amounts of money from all the traffic voyeurs looking for something new to do on the weekends.

I know one thing for certain. I’ve never seen none of those there Hi-wyans or Cali-fornias ever surf with a beer in their hand. Only hillbillys can do that! Let me know what you think of hillbilly surfing.

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